MICHEL MARTIN, HOST:
The deadline has passed for Republicans to replace Ohio Congressman Max Miller on the ballot. He's running for reelection despite allegations of domestic violence made by his ex-wife, Emily Moreno. She says he scalded her with hot water, pushed her against a wall and held a gun to her head. Miller denied it in a livestreamed video and noted he'd never been charged with a crime.
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MAX MILLER: Ask yourself, if I had assaulted her, would she had offered to cook me dinner six days later?
MARTIN: Now, let me say here, we're not here to litigate the truth or falsity of any of these statements by either party. But this story, playing out as it has in a powerful family, has raised some myths and stereotypes about domestic violence. So we called Leslie Morgan Steiner. The author detailed her story as a survivor of domestic abuse in the memoir "Crazy Love" and in a TED Talk that has been viewed more than 10 million times. She has advocated for survivors for years as a public speaker, on the boards of anti-domestic-violence organizations and as an adviser to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. So I asked her some common questions about abuse, starting with why some people may act as if everything is normal before eventually making allegations.
LESLIE MORGAN STEINER: Denial, recantation, lying under oath and appeasement are all survival tactics that every victim uses to protect herself and children, even after divorce. It's typical in abuse cases.
MARTIN: And why?
STEINER: The victim knows better than anybody else how dangerous an abuser is. And so it's very important to placate them and try to de-escalate and make sure that things stay as calm as possible. It's not proof that the incident didn't happen.
MARTIN: I don't want to put anyone in the position of creating some sort of hierarchy of victimhood. But I do think some people might wonder, why would somebody put up with that conduct if they had the means to leave?
STEINER: So it is a stereotype that the people who are trapped in domestic violence tend to be living in poverty, have, quote, unquote, "too many children," no self-esteem, no ability to leave. But that is a myth because what really traps you in abusive relationships is the psychology of it. I had a degree from Harvard. I had no children. I had no cultural or family pressure to stay with my abusive husband. And he was holding loaded guns to my head and strangling me on a regular basis. And still, I couldn't leave. And it wasn't until the final attack after years of abuse that I called the police. Because part of the psychology is that victims quite often see ourselves as the only person who understands the abuser and we want to protect him.
MARTIN: When you see a story like this become public, how does it land with a survivor like yourself?
STEINER: Well, as a domestic violence survivor and somebody who's spent the last 20 years working with victims and perpetrators, I always find these cases, initially, to be really chilling. But there is an upside to this, because it used to be for a very long time, you know, there was a myth that if it happened behind closed doors, we should keep it there. And that's, in fact, one of the things that Max Miller draws upon, that this is a private family matter and it should not be public spectacle. But I see the public spectacle as having an upside because we're never going to end domestic violence and child abuse unless we talk about it openly. So that is the good side in this really sad and disturbing case.
MARTIN: Before we let you go, people listening to this conversation, people who've heard of this story may be thinking of someone in their own life, a family member, a friend, who is in a relationship that scares them, where they think a person is being abused. If somebody is in that situation and you don't know what to do, what's the best thing you can do?
STEINER: If you think something is wrong, trust yourself. Find a gentle way to talk to the victim. And you don't have to say, I think you're being abused - you need help. You can just look at them and say, I'm worried about you. Something seems off in your home life. Something seems disturbing to me in your relationship. I love you and I need to know that you're OK. Just let them know that you're there because that in itself is breaking the silence. And it's the most powerful thing that we all can do.
MARTIN: That's Leslie Morgan Steiner. She's the author of "Crazy Love" and other books and is a longtime activist and survivor of domestic abuse. Leslie Morgan Steiner, thanks so much.
STEINER: Thank you so much, Michel.
MARTIN: Let me note here that Emily Moreno 's spokesperson did not respond to a request for comment. A spokesperson for Max Miller said, quote, "every allegation against Congressman Miller has been investigated by the authorities, and none was substantiated," unquote. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.
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